Merry xmas

Should we tear up her new fuzzy socks tonight?

God yes.

Drunky.

Phil, I thought we talked about this. I can smell the alcohol on you. Wasn't that why you were going to AA? 

Seriously, the tequila is intense. What did you do, shower in it?

God damnit, now I'm drunk. 

Chaos

The problem with spoiling your dog is that then they think everything is their toy, including but not limited to socks, hair scrunchies, and hats for some weird reason, but most importantly, MY PENGUIN PILLOW PET. This saddens me on a deep level. It's not so much that he destroyed it, it's just...well, now it's all gummy. 

"hee hee heeee"

I defrosted chicken last night with the plan of cooking a chicken rice casserole but then I decided that was pretty boring, so I thought I'd just wing it.

Best. Idea. Ever.

Ingredients for chicken: 

1 packet of chicken breasts (from Costco of course)

1/4 cup butter (I used up all the butter we had and then used I can't believe it's not butter for the rest, weird but that's what I get for winging it..)

1/4 cup flour

1 tablespoon onion powder

1 tablespoon paprika 

1 tablespoon cayenne pepper

1 tablespoon black pepper

1 tablespoon Italian seasoning 

1 tablespoon garlic salt (secret ingredient!!!)

Here comes the hard part. Put flour and all spices in a bowl, cover all the chicken. Put chicken in 4qt crock pot. Second secret, put some more mix on the chicken, really make sure it's all covered, all husbands will really love this step. Melt the butter and then pour all over chicken. Cover and cook. I did 2 hours on high and then on low for 3 hours. 

Ingredients for rice:

2 cans diced tomatoes
1 tablespoon diced onions
4 garlic cloves, peeled and smuushed.
2 cups brown rice
3 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 tablespoon garlic salt

This one is even harder. Literally, you have to throw everything into the crock pot. It was tough, but I managed. I used the 6qt cause the chicken was in the 4qt one. It was supposed to be cooked 4 hours on low but the husband came home early so it was cooked 2 hours low and 2 hours high.

Seriously, this is what's for dinner. Go make this. Now. 

Inspired by animals talking in all caps.

"What do you mean vampires aren't cool anymore?! Who sent out this memo. I object. I'm writing a letter, we are bringing the cool vampires back. Fuck this twilight shit, I'm talking Bram Stoker style

That's what I'm talking about...we are objecting hard....you know I'm committed."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chili with a twist and Brownies in a mug!

As my dear father pointed out, there was no "meat" in my last meal so this time I decided to make some chili with ground turkey. Even my dog can't be without his hamburger. Men.

It's a sickness

Ingredients:


1 can pinto beans
1 can black beans
1 can garbanzo beans (do not use these. they were gross in this meal.)
1 can diced tomatoes
1 yellow onion (why are cutting onions so damn annoying!?)
1 container of lean ground turkey
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce (so so so good)
2 tablespoons cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon mustard powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
6 1/2 cups water


So I'm not actually sure if this step is necessary but I couldn't find an accurate answer online. Browning the meat. Have to before it goes in the crock pot? Don't have to? Just say forget it? It's all very annoying.
But not nearly as annoying as actually browning it. Such a long process and it was too early in the day to have wine. Sad face. So I cut up the meat, put olive oil in the pan (and the stove top, and the floor, thanks to Bodie nudging my leg) and browned it with the onions

While this was going on, I drained and rinsed all the beans and added them to a 6qt crock pot. Then I added the tomatoes and all the spices.

When the meat was finally done, I put it and the onions in. Then I put 6 1/2 cups of water in. Stir well. Cover and cook for 8 hours. (During this time I checked it, figured it couldn't hurt and threw in some more Worcestershire sauce, like a lot.)
At exactly 8 hours it was finished!

The extra Worcestershire sauce helped.

And then I had the great idea to make brownies. But not the easy way, oh no, clearly the difficult way. I decided to put them in a mug and cook them in....did you guess it yet? yes of course, the crock pot. And by this time it was 8:30pm....so not the smartest idea. 

Ingredients:

2 eggs

2 cups flour

2 cups white sugar (I only had enough for one cup...so I used 1 cup of brown sugar as well....weird)

1 cup melted butter

1 teaspoon vanilla flavoring

1/2 cup cocoa (I had to use the Hershey's brand. It was painful for me.)

1 cup milk chocolate chips

I mixed everything together in a large bowl, made Darren taste because of the brown sugar. He approved. Then I took out 4 mugs, sprayed them with pam (very very VERY important to the person that gets to clean them) filled them half way with the brownie mix and then put them in the crock pot! Very easy. 

Then I waited, and waited and WAITED and finally at 3 hours in (and at 11:30pm..) it was finally done and by finally I mean I couldn't wait any longer. So I took them out of the crock pot, let them sit cause they were hot, and then I added ice cream.

So worth the wait.

Beans and Rice

So it's pouring in LA right now which probably makes all the plants happy but not the puppy. Our gardeners accidentally put fertilizer on both the front and back yard which means that Bodie can only go outside if I take him on a walk, which makes him having to pee at 5:30am not all that exciting, more so when it's raining.

I can go outside?

It's cold and wet so I decided to make some comfort food.

Ingredients:

1 can pinto beans (I have a ton, though I have no idea why, so this was good.)

1 can black beans

1 can diced tomatoes

1 cup rice (I used brown)

1 tablespoon olive oil

1 teaspoon Italian seasoning 

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 tablespoon chopped onions

I coated the 6qt crock pot with the olive oil and then put in the rice. Make sure all the rice is mixed in with the oil (though make sure you do this gently and not like me, scattering rice everywhere..)

Drain and rinse the beans then throw them in.

Put in the diced tomatoes

Add one cup of water

Add all the seasonings, stir everything!

Cover and cook on low for 6 hours. 

Extremely good

Verdict: 

Very very good. I added spicy red sauce just to make it pop. Next time though, I would double everything since my husband is a glutton. 

New York

Currently I am in New York and good god it is cold. Like freeze your tail off cold. Thank god Bodie lives in LA, I mean, I know he has a fur coat and all but really, let's face it, Bodie is more of baby than I am. And that's really saying something.

What do you mean I have to go outside?

Also, people here walk everywhere. I mean, I can barely convince myself to walk to Ralphs and it's probably three blocks away but here, people walk hundreds of block with apparently little problem. I'm convinced this is because they want to eat all the black and white cookies and this helps them achieve this goal. Damnit, now I want one...I bet you can't make those in a crock pot...next challege! 

But the best part of New York is that I convinced my parents to buy a crock pot. Mostly this was ahieved by me whining and promising to cook dinners all the time but it also really got me missing my own crock pots. And then I realized that...I should name them. I mean, I talk about them often enough, I feel they are family already. And they will be men because really, when everything goes wrong or the food burns, I'm going to blame them. And I feel much better if I'm yelling at a guy.

So here goes. My 4qt one will be named Hunter because it does most of the work. My amazing red 6qt one will be called Diva because he's fussy, very demanding and unsure about his sexual preference. But best of all, my little dipper one will be called precious. Because really, is there anything better then melting chocolate?

Stuffed Artichokes

Watching 16 and pregnant is depressing. Like, locking my future daughter in the house until she's 60 depressing. It really is so bad that I have to stop watching, right now....ok now...ok damn it's like a train wreck.

She did whaaaa?

Why this led to stuffed artichokes is beyond me. I just suddenly wanted one. And I'm sure now you do too.

Ingredients:
3 large artichokes
1 lemon squeezed into juice
1/2 cup parmesan cheese (I used the amazing blend from costco)
1/4 breadcrumbs
1 tablespoon olive oil

Wash the artichokes really well, getting between the leaves? Stemmie things? Get a really big knife and CAREFULLY cut off the top and stem. This took a lot of work which makes me think either I need to lift more weights or get sharper knifes.
Cut off the pointy parts off the leaves. We are going to call them leaves.
Combine lemon juice, parm cheese, breadcrumbs and olive oil in a bowl. Mix everything together, it will be sticky if you are primitive and use your fingers.

Shove this mixture in the artichoke. I wasn't really sure how to do this so I just stuffed everywhere.
Put it in a 6qt crock pot and cook on high for 3-4 hours. Mine was done at 3 1/2.

Verdit:
I think I succeed. Or I overstuffed it. Can you overstuff an artichoke?
Life's biggest mysteries, after the platypus.

Orange chicken

Today was hard. My golden retriever was extremely tired and couldn't understand that he's not a lap dog. Also, if I didn't get up my husband wouldn't get fed and then I'd be forced to watch him play Skyrim to get back at me....and cooking is way more exciting than Skyrim, though I assume most things are.

                                    Including sleeping with all your feet by your face


I really wanted orange chicken and 1. I am far too poor to go out and get some and 2. I wanted some that wouldn't kill my arteries so it was crock pot time.
Ingredients:
2 pounds boneless chicken, cut in 2-inch chunks ( I forgot to do this until it was already in the crock pot....worst.)
1/2 cup flour
1 tbsp olive oil, for browning the chicken
1 tablespoon sea salt
6 ounces (1/2 can) frozen OJ concentrate, thawed (I hate pulp so that was a definite no,)
3 1/2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
3 tablespoons ketchup (sounds weird I know)



Combine chicken with flour in a bowl and then cook it on the stove. You don't have to cook it for very long, just make sure it's nicely browned. 


While this is cooking combine olive oil, salt, OJ, brown sugar, vinegar and ketchup in a bowl. Taste. Taste again just to really make sure how good it is. When satisfied, put everything in crock pot and stir to make sure all the chicken is covered. 


Use a 4qt crock pot. Cook for 6 hours on low. 

Not as weird as it looks

Verdit:

Great hit with the husband. I thought it was good but would have been better over rice. Next challenge.